Writer's Devil's Dictionary

(Article adapted from my old website)

Everyone loves a cynic. No wait . . . a parade. Everyone loves a parade. Except me, that is. I could go either way when parades are concerned. But give me a good cynic any day. Yeah, that's right, I said "good cynic." There are plenty of bad cynics out there that I have no use for, so many in fact they could form a parade (and no one would love it). A bad cynic only brings you down. A bad cynic disparages attempts at creativity and achievement with the objective of hiding his own lack of creativity and his fear of trying to be anything other than "cool."

Then there's Ambrose Bierce. Everyone loves Ambrose Bierce.

He's cool.

He's dead now, and so he failed at the one true thing that matters, but when he was alive Ambrose Bierce discarded his faith in the human race with such carefree abandon you can't help but wish you could do the same. He ridiculed any enterprise with such creativity you can't help but feel optimistic about your own failings, and even about the parade you've just been invited to. 

He wrote something called the Devil's Dictionary. If you don't know of it yet, you don't deserve to know, and I'm not about to waste my time enlightening the hopelessly ignorant.

See? Cynicism. It works!

And no one needs cynicism more than a writer. So below you'll find my take on his creation. Now I know I should write a better segue, but why should I bother? The work speaks for itself. You'll either "get it" or you won't, and you probably won't, and you'll probably disparage me for having even tried. Well I don't care either way, and you can go off to your parade now.

Writer's Devil's Dictionary

Acknowledgements:  The page where an author thanks the people he hopes will buy his book.

Advance:  Ironic gesture given by a publisher to an author. See:  leaving a quarter tip for a waitress.

Book Contract:  A signed and notarized document detailing the amount of money an author won't be making.

Character:  A fictional entity given a personality by a non-fictional entity that lacks one.

Characters Writing Themselves:  The result of a fictional entity figuring out that the author doesn't know what the hell he's doing and so takes matters into its own hands.

Deadline:  The absolute earliest an editor wants to see your latest catastrophe.

Draft, First:  An author's first opportunity to stop writing his latest pile of junk.

Draft, Second:  An author's second chance to stop writing his latest pile of junk.

Draft, Final:  Junk.

Ebook:  A book that won't burn.

Fiction:  A lie that stinks of truth.

Genre:  Classification scheme that succinctly alerts the prospective buyer to which books he won't ever want to read.

Hardback:  A book that will burn longer.

Literary Agent:  Person willing to work for 15% of nothing.

Main Character:  The character that's easiest for the plot to push around.

Mystery Novel:  A novel where it's a mystery how it ever got published.

Non-Fiction:  Truth that stinks of lies.

Novella:  An unpublishable work made even more unpublishable.

Paperback:  A book that will burn quickest.

Print-On-Demand Novel:  A book no one will ever demand be printed.

Rejection Letter:  Redundant term. All letters coming from publishers are rejections.

Science Fiction Novel:  Book about the future written by a writer who has no future. 

Spell Checker:  Device that promotes the belief the accurate spelling will improve one's writing.

Stream-Of-Consciousness Narration:  A narrative written when the author appears to be unconscious.

Vanity Press:  Redundant term. All publication is vain, and in vain.

Word Count:  The number of words above zero an author should have ever written. 

Writer:  Failure.

Writer's Group:  Concentrated Failure.